TITLE: "Tin Pot"

AUTHOR: 
Aelfgyfu

RATING: Teen (language)

CATEGORIES: episode tag, (lame) humor, team

SUMMARY: Maybourne wants SG-1's doubles for study.

SPOILERS: "Tin Man"

WARNINGS: none that I can think of

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM-UA, Gekko, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions, Stargate SG-1, Showtime/Viacom, NBC/Sci Fi, and no doubt other persons or entities whom I've forgotten (this list keeps getting longer). No copyright infringement is intended. In fact, my stories make no sense if you haven't seen the shows, so I encourage you to watch! And get all the DVDs! Just like I do!

Tin Pot

by Aelfgyfu

O’Neill tried to shake off the creepy feeling as he walked down the ramp. He was home; his whole team was home; that was what mattered. He looked back at them, reassuring himself that he’d brought the right ones back. The robots had been wearing track suits. None of them were wearing track suits.

Nope, he wasn’t going to think about the robots any more.

His commanding officer stepped forward. “Colonel O’Neill?” General Hammond asked, and he knew it was more than just a pleasantry.

“Yes. Yes, the real deal, the flesh-and-blood version, the—”

The wormhole shut down behind them.

Hammond frowned. “So you aren’t the ones who came through before.”

“No, sir, those were the wind-up versions.” He started walking towards the infirmary even before Hammond told them to go. Hammond was still with him, and the others followed. “I gather it didn’t take very long to figure out they weren’t us, sir?”

“When Doctor Frasier couldn’t detect a heartbeat, it was a pretty big clue,” Hammond said with an apologetic smile. “The substance she drew instead of blood....”

O’Neill shook his head. He already knew more than he wanted to. Harlan had originally planned not to tell SG-1 that he’d duplicated them. He wished he hadn’t found out. He knew they needed to know; knowing you’d been duplicated was kind of important information. They’d need to change all the codes, adjust some of the security protocols....

Suddenly O’Neill realized the last man he wanted to see, maybe even less than Harlan and his robot double, had just gotten off the elevator they were all going to get on. “Maybourne! What the hell—”

“General,” Maybourne said, looking right past O’Neill, “are these them?”

“Are these who?” Jack fumed, stopping mere inches from Maybourne’s face. “And it should be ‘they,’ not ‘them.’” Maybourne stepped back, which satisfied him more than he expected.

“Colonel?” Hammond asked impatiently, and O’Neill knew he wasn’t the colonel in question.

“Are these the androids?” Maybourne asked, his eyes flickering only momentarily to O’Neill. “I have orders—”

“Too late, Maybourne!” O’Neill snorted. “We’re not the robots.”

“General?” Maybourne asked in exasperation. “Surely you received my message—”

Hammond reached past them all to call the elevator. “Shame you didn’t bother to hold the elevator for us, Colonel. We’re headed to the infirmary.”

“Want to come with?” O’Neill grinned and stepped closer to the man, who had backed up as far as he could. He noted with approval that his teammates stepped closer, too. Even Teal’c. Especially Teal’c. Teal’c...loomed.

“You’re sure these are...the real SG-1?” Maybourne asked, flattening himself against the wall until he realized he was doing it. He pushed off with a visible effort.

“That’s why we’re headed to the infirmary,” Hammond said with a pleasant smile.

The elevator door opened and the team moved forward.

“I think I’ll take the next—” But Maybourne’s objections were lost as he stepped away from Teal’c and into the elevator. Nice maneuvering by the Jaffa. “It’s a bit...crowded.”

“Oh, we’re fine,” O’Neill said, putting himself between Maybourne and the door. “Besides, it’s a short trip.”

“General, I really....”

He could see a trickle of sweat start at Maybourne’s hairline.

“Sir, I think I really must—” the man tried again.

The elevator chimed.

“See? We’re already here!” Jack smiled broadly.

They all spilled out into the corridor, and O’Neill couldn’t help but notice that Hammond seemed much more cheerful than he had just moments before. The general was really getting into the spirit of things. Good!

“General,” Maybourne said after a deep breath and a few quick steps to take him as far from the others as he could be and still carry on a more or less normal conversation, “my orders are to study the androids! We need to get them back!”

“Oh, we can’t do that,” Carter said ingenuously. “They need to stay on their planet, or they run out of power.”

“I’m sure we could work out something to—to borrow them!”

“Maybe so!” Daniel said with some enthusiasm.

Oh, hell. What was the archaeologist up to now?

Maybourne looked at Hammond, sparing only a brief sideways glance at Jackson.

“I’m sure Harlan would love to meet you!” the younger man continued, and O’Neill realized where this was headed. Oh, he loved his team.

“Harlan? Who’s Harlan?”

“He’s the android who runs the complex!” Carter contributed enthusiastically.

“He has a special greeting—comtraya!” Daniel bowed right outside the door to the infirmary to demonstrate.

Janet Frasier stuck her head out and frowned. “General?” she asked, looking at the small crowd.

“We think we’ve really got SG-1 this time, Doctor. We’d just like you to make sure, and then you can do the standard post-mission physicals. Colonel Maybourne, if you’ll excuse—”

“Yes!” Maybourne said with relief. “Why don’t we continue this in your office?”

“Yes, General! That’s a great idea!” O’Neill said. “No need to say goodbye, Maybourne.”

Daniel’s face became more solemn. “Good luck,” he said, extending a hand to Maybourne.

Maybourne’s face crinkled up like he’d just smelled a very bad smell and he ignored the hand. “What—what are they talking about, General?”

Hammond was still smiling pleasantly, but his eyes flicked to O’Neill. Ah. O’Neill wasn’t sure if Hammond wasn’t entirely sure what the deal was here, or if he just wanted to give O’Neill the chance to deliver the coup de grace. It didn’t matter; Jack was happy to do it either way.

“Well, see, Harlan’s a really nice guy,” O’Neill explained, just a little slowly, so Maybourne could keep up. “I bet he’ll be very open to an exchange.”

“Exchange?” Maybourne probably had no idea his eyes got that big and round when he was scared. He might be fun at Poker Night. Nah. No amount of money was worth putting up with him.

“Yeah! You go, get the robots; I’m sure Harlan would love to meet you.”

“No, I’m not going there—”

“Well, SG-1 certainly can’t,” Frasier said. He knew he liked her. “I’ve got a number of tests to run. But I understand you’re in a hurry, and I’m sure we can expedite your pre-mission physical, Colonel Maybourne.” She smiled sweetly. Gee, if O’Neill hadn’t personally seen her help take down Hathor, he might buy her act.

Maybourne looked at her suspiciously. Then he looked at Daniel’s eager, open face, and Carter’s slightly raised eyebrows. Finally he looked at Teal’c, who was doing his Great Stone Face thing again.

He didn’t bother to look back at O’Neill, but O’Neill could see him force his eyeballs back into their sockets and paste something vaguely resembling a smile on his face before muttering some incoherent excuse and practically sprinting back to the elevator.

Daniel and Carter were grinning ear-to-ear. Even Teal’c looked satisfied.

“I trust I’ll soon hear from you that these are our people?” General Hammond said with a genuine smile to the doctor.

She pulled the stethoscope from around her neck and slipped it down the front of O’Neill’s shirt; he managed not to pull back in surprise. “I think I can tell you that right now, sir.”

General Hammond smiled. “Good work, SG-1.” He sighed. “I probably ought to make sure he gets off the mountain safely. Wouldn’t want him getting lost somewhere on his way out.” He started away and then turned back. “It’s just as well Colonel Maybourne didn’t decide to take the trip. I hesitate to think what you’d find running through his veins, Doctor, and I don’t mean as an android.” He smiled at them all and then went off to the elevators while Frasier herded them into her domain.

O’Neill couldn’t have said it better himself.

FIN

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